Navigating Borderline Personality Disorder: My Personal Journey

TRIGGER WARNING - This post mentions SI which can be triggering for some people.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be a challenging and often misunderstood experience. As someone who is on this journey myself, I understand the importance of raising awareness and connecting with others who may be going through similar struggles.

I was diagnosed with BPD in March of 2024 at 47 years old. This disorder is usually diagnosed in adolescents or early adulthood, so you can imagine my surprise. But after the diagnosis, going through my past, it became so obvious. How was this missed?

At 16 I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder (BD). Was it a misdiagnosis? Do I have both? I was left with so many questions. I've learned since that approximately 20% of people with BD meet the criteria for BPD as well. But there is no real way to know for sure if I have both. The good news is that at least the medications that are prescribed for BD are often the same as those prescribed for BPD. While BPD can't be cured with medication, there are plenty out there that can provide relief from some symptoms.

Unfortunately, medication can only do so much. Healing takes a huge amount of work and dedication. Therapy, both individual and group, is paramount, as is using therapy methods such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which helps individuals process and heal from trauma. There will be posts on both in the future.

My diagnosis story is a bit ridiculous. I was introduced to BPD after my first psychiatric hospitalization. I had been suffering from suicidal ideation for weeks before my husband drove me to the emergency room and insisted that I commit myself. I don't remember exactly when, but I believe it was a week or two before my hospitalization that I took four Klonopin to try to sleep after an episode but lied to my husband and told him I only took two. It was obvious from my slow movement, slurred speech, and lack of balance that that just wasn't true. He had no way of knowing how many I took, and I was adamant with my lies. So, he did the only thing he could, he called an ambulance.

Boy did that set me off! I was furious. When the EMTs arrived, they did a quick assessment on me and asked how much I'd taken. I lied to them, too. There was nothing they could do, I refused to go to the hospital and because I was not in any danger, they left. Things deteriorated from there and culminated in my first hospitalization.

My experience at this particular private hospital was horrible and deserves another blog post of its own. But it is where BPD was brought up for the first time. Now, no doctor came to me and said, "You have BPD." No one explained what BPD was. Those letters were never uttered to me or my husband while I was there. No, I discovered the diagnosis after I got home and read the discharge paperwork. It included the list of diagnoses. The list looked like this: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar 2, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Wow! I had all the things! I didn't know whether to be proud or horrified. What I really was, was confused and tired. Scared and overwhelmed. But I tried to go about life as best as I could. But things were only getting worse.

On June 24, 2024, I attempted to take my own life. That also deserves its own post, but suffice it to say, I survived. I was hospitalized for four days before being committed to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. This was a much different place. I almost immediately felt safe there. The staff was remarkable, and I was learning a lot. This is where I first heard the term "Cluster B Traits." This is a term for personality disorders that are marked by emotional instability, interpersonal difficulties, identity disturbances, and cognitive distortions. BPD is just one of the personality disorders that falls under Cluster B, along with Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

While the doctors I saw at this hospital hesitated to diagnose me with BPD, they did point out the Cluster B traits I was exhibiting. I was in this ward for seven days. Imagine that. I tried to die and was out on my butt in seven days. That's not to disparage the hospital. It's quite common for stays at these facilities to be between five and ten days. Their job isn't to cure you, it's to stabilize you and get you connected with outside help. It was just jarring to me to go from that safe environment out into the world that terrified me. But I was determined to get better.

I ended up going into a partial hospitalization program (PHP) for 3 weeks post my discharge. A PHP is generally a full day, five-day-a-week program that is centered around group therapy. They are run by a social worker or licensed therapist and often also have psychiatrists or psychiatric nurse practitioners on staff to monitor and prescribe medication. It's basically like being in the hospital but you go home at night and on the weekends. I enjoyed the PHP I was in and was very proud when I got my graduation certificate. But unfortunately, that wasn't the end of my hospitalization journey.

Since my suicide attempt, I have been hospitalized four more times, and I did a short stint in a long-term facility, which is where I was officially diagnosed with BPD. It was there I read the book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerald J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. I can't recommend this book enough to both those diagnosed with BPD and those that love them. It was fascinating and disturbing all at once. Every page, every trait that was described... Oh my God, how did this go undiagnosed for so long? I fit all nine traits (I'll go into these in another post). It explained my life. I finally had some answers.

My journey from there included lots of reading about BPD, individual therapy with a trauma and DBT specialist, and several hospitalizations. I was most recently discharged on December 13, 2024. So I am still in the thick of this. I am still struggling. But I am determined. Determined to beat this disorder. Because it IS possible to recover. It takes constant hard work and medication, but it is possible. I've seen lots of stories of people who have recovered, which gives me hope. Hope that I want to spread through this site.

If you have been diagnosed with BPD or love someone who has, I'm looking for your story. Written, video, art... however you want to express yourself is welcome here. For more information or to submit your story, email me at MegBPDandMe@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing your story. Thank you for reading and take good care of yourself.